THE ULTIMATE JUGGLING ACT

There are so very many ways in which your life changes once you have a kid.
Emotionally, physically, financially – you have to adapt, and FAST.

Although a baby is a totally magical addition into your world, they unfortunately cannot add any hours to the day. You’ve gotta do everything you were already doing, plus keep a small, cute, defenceless bean alive.

There’s an overwhelming amount of info out there for new parents – classes, books, podcasts – with all the tips and tricks for managing life with a newborn, and obviously this information isn’t a one-size-fits-all for everyone. All the reading in the world will only get you so far - once baby comes along some things will stick but most will just all go out the window. With social media (however subconsciously) changing the ways us people without kids are perceiving parenthood (cute front-carriers and naps, bright cheeks and babycinos), is there enough real-life conversation or psychological support for parents that isn’t so baby-centric?

Advice on how you take all that practical nap-time-information – and feed-time and poop-time – and apply it to YOUR life. Like how to ensure your baby will fit within YOUR world as you love it. About where specifically you need to make the literal and metaphorical room in your home for the baby; and how you can best emotionally prepare for the inevitable grief over the loss of a certain part of who you were before, as a single person and as a couple.

Everyone is trying their best and wants to look like they are nailing it, but that really doesn’t help anyone. There needs to be more talk from the people whose lack of sleep has them convinced they’ve got early onset Alzheimer’s, who are scared because they think perhaps a little too often about how easy it would just be to leave the screaming kid at the supermarket. If only the highlight reel is being screened, and your friends don’t talk about this stuff – it’s lose-lose. People won’t recognise their friends’ need for that kind of support and reach out to help, and more problematically, people about to have a kid have got no idea what they are in for. We need less pics of babies in tiny sneakers, more discussion normalising how absolutely fucked it is just trying to keep your head above the waves.

Where this all comes to a head, is the decision to go back to work. The inner conflict between loving the newborn bubble but needing a return to normalcy. Between the guilt of working full-time and permanent exhaustion. Maybe it’s navigating a sense of guilt that you’re DESPERATE to go back to work. No feeling is the ‘right feeling’. Regardless, it’s going to be about finding a new balance.

So. Below, eight wonderful people and parents have very generously and candidly shared their perspectives and wisdom on what it was like going back to work after having a kid. This experience is something that’s so different for each individual – profession, age, where they are in their lives, the support networks they do (or don’t) have – and it’s important to note that the complexity of parenthood is much broader and more diverse than these stories could cover. That said, there’s heaps to unpack here and Fields is grateful to every single person that shared their experience.

Hopefully, for those who LOVE their job but also want to start a family, it provides a more nuanced or relatable perspective. And hopefully the young parents who are really struggling to adapt to the newness realise they’re not alone, and that being a parent is, unanimously, REALLY FUCKING HARD.

ANDIE

“I worked as a chef from a young age and was usually the only female employed in the kitchen. After many years of working 60+ hour weeks I worked my way up to head chef at a very busy and popular restaurant. I was in this role for about 18 months when I became pregnant with my first child.

I worked the same long hours – standing, cooking, managing a kitchen of men – right up until the end of my pregnancy. I knew that after having my baby I wouldn’t be able to go back into the same role if I wanted to spend quality time with my child.

I definitely felt then, and still feel now, that most chefs are expected to work long and unsocial hours.
Family unfriendly hours.

There’s definitely positions out there in smaller venues, cafes, school canteens etc that could offer Monday to Friday, 9–5 style hours. But to be the professional chef I wanted to be, I had to say goodbye to my career.” 

INDIGO

“What was it like for me as a new mum? A fresh-ass mum? I still remember very vividly what all that was like, and is something I would do completely differently now if I chose to have a third (I have two). Going back to work was something I felt like I had to do. My birth was quite traumatic. Actually, so was my pregnancy. I wasn’t ready… I didn’t prepare myself. I was very naive, very immature and had no idea, really. It was very big awakening for me on all levels.

I’ve always thrown myself into work. All the women in my family are like that, we work our asses off, are really independent and like to take control. I feel like I threw myself back [Into work]… like “I’ve gotta go”.

I suffered from postnatal depression so I was quite detached from [my baby] in a way. So going back to work was, to be honest, quite easy for me. I was a little bit disassociated from most things… and myself.
For me, going back to work was almost an escape.
An avoidance.

I didn’t bathe in my new role as a mother, and thinking back that makes me really quite sad. Although it was a lesson that I needed and that I reflect on a lot (because I’ve come a loooong way since then) I was very much in my masculine energy and that was a really comfortable role for me.

Going back to work was a really easy transition. It was motherhood that was the hard and challenging bit. I had to integrate my masculine side with my feminine and my motherly/nurturing side and I guess I had to look at myself all these walls I’d built up within myself. It’s not easy to look at yourself like that – and then you’ve got newborn as well!

It was definitely a crazy, CRAZY road… juggling and just exhausting myself. Because I’ve sort of always done everything and then with a baby it was just 10 times more intense. I just didn’t live presently. And that is something, if I could do it again, I would do extremely and radically different. I did do differently, with my second baby, I was much more present. My birth was different, it was at home, and it was all very heart-centred and connecting. I liked being at home more, in that newborn bubble.

I still did go back to work but not as much. Yeah it was hard, but I am a get-things-done type of person.

I do like to work and I do like to have a purpose other than my children – because yes I am am a mother,
but I am also many other things.

I’ve constantly got something on the side, but it’s about finding that balance. That’s the tricky part sometimes. We live in a very fast-paced world. Now I’m craving the countryside… the bush, the land and not working for the man, you know. There’s always that pull to bring your children up in a community-based area, not in this fast paced “Go! Go! Go! Out the door, come on we’re late we’re late!!!” I really don’t want to raise my kids like that. I’m working hard now so that I can give them that. It’s about healthy self-care, a safe and supportive home and partner. I know we don’t all and can’t all have that, but we can do our best to set that up within ourselves. It’s a balance, it’s a juggle. It’s HARD.

BEN

“As a full-time working dad with two boys under two, the biggest thing for me is the feeling of guilt. Going to work every day and leaving my partner at home exhausted after being awake all night with the boys is so hard.

It’s really hard dealing with the perception of
‘having it easy’ by going to work and getting out
of the house more than my partner.
It’s anything but easy.

I just want to be there to support my family however best I can, and right now that’s going to work. When I get home I’m doing my best to support her and give her a break too. But it’s really hard, it’s totally full time and really exhausting for us both.”

MOLLY

“I felt incredibly anxious throughout my pregnancy. I was a wreck, to be perfectly honest, and had a bit of pre-natal depression. I didn’t know how I was going manage going back to work with an 8-week-old, a husband that works eight days away, who is then at home for six days but looks after his farm – and no family support. They say it takes a village – we just didn’t have a village.

I manage a small creative business mostly working in the wedding industry, so the thought of going back to a 9–5 job made me so anxious. But also, I felt deprived. I had wanted a baby, I had done all the right things. I had waited until we were financially stable, we had a really good relationship, ticked all those boxes… and I was just so looking forward to being a mum.

Then, because of COVID and wedding postponements happening two weeks before I found out I was pregnant, I just felt entirely deprived of that ‘motherhood’ experience. I think I was grieving for it before I even lost it. When I had the baby I was super excited.

The newborn haze. It’s such a cliche, but what
everybody says is really true.

When I did go back and do my first wedding at 8 weeks [postpartum], I was a bit nervous but I had mum and my husband and family, they were all very supportive. I don’t think I could ever trump the feeling of finishing that big wedding with an eight-week-old baby. I’m thinking to myself ‘I AM A BOSS BITCH! I CAN FREAKING DO THIS!’ It was one of the best feelings I’ve ever had. But since then it’s been a rollercoaster. Some weeks I feel like I have it all under control – baby happy, business flourishing.

Some weeks, I feel like I’m dropping
EVERY. SINGLE. BALL.
The feeling of never quite nailing any one job
is always constant. I either feel like I’m nailing work
but not nailing being a mother, or vice versa.

One always suffers and thats hard to come to terms with. But I think if you do experience that… it just means that you’re a good mother!

Becoming a mother has given me a different perspective – I am a highly strung person at times; being a mother has helped me to let go of the things that don’t actually matter, and to focus on the things that do. It’s DEFINITELY made me value my time more. Time is the most precious commodity ever – you can’t buy it, you can’t get it back. Now I just value my time so much more, so I’m a better businesswoman and I’m a better person I believe.

This is hard to express and I don’t want it to come out wrong – but I think women in generations before us fought for equality for so long, in the workplace and at home. I SO value that, and am grateful to be in a generation where we reap the benefits of their battles, but I also feel we have, on some level, made life a little bit more difficult for ourselves. I would kill to have 9–12 months home with my baby. There, I said it. I want to be a stay at home mum. That’s what I want to do.

In saying that, I think I would be a stay at home mum for a few months and then be on the hunt for a new project. Because that is who I am. I just think that I need to find a better balance and that only comes with time and experience of 1) being a mother and 2) being in business. I’m not there yet but I’m determined to get there. I need to accept that there is going to be weeks where I do drop all my balls and not be so hard on myself about it.

I couldn’t run my business to the level that I have been doing if I didn’t have my mum and a husband that, even though he works away, when he is home for those 6 days he more than makes up for it. There is no way I could do this without them. I guess it’s a small village, small but mighty.

I would tell any girl who wants to have kids and wants to go back to work – you need support. You just do. It’s incredibly difficult without it.

JACK

“I have two kids and work full-time.

What worked for us when we had our first kid was
agreeing that he was coming into our life,
and not the other way around.

It really helped us carve out space for ourselves as individuals and as a partnership, but there were definitely still times we were stretched. When the second one came along though, we tried to do the same thing but it's hard to remember stuff while you're simultaneously drinking from a firehose.

Single kid = doable.

Double kid = fucked.”

MAEVE

“For my first child, I ended up taking about 15 months off work and, for me, it was too long. I had some post-natal anxiety so I think my reluctance to go back was about controlling that. When you are in that lovely newborn bubble it’s hard to imagine going back to your pre-baby normality.

When I did go back, for the first few weeks it felt quite surreal. I was in the office in body, but my heart was elsewhere… but with time you learn to work with this new level of attachment.

Ultimately, working helped me manage and work through my anxiety about getting things ‘right’ as a parent. I was forced to let certain things go and just accept that good = good enough.

Working mums are busy – logistics and life management becomes a lot of my thought, just day-to-day to ensure the kids are supported and where they need to be. With my second child, I really felt more prepared for returning to work but I wanted to go back to something I loved 100%. So I quit my job and found something that really ticks all my boxes. I sacrificed salary but I get flexibility, creativity and fulfilment. Salary will increase when it’s good for the family for my work commitments to increase.

You can have it all,
just not all at once without sacrifice.

I love being a working mum. It’s hard – but really, it’s just life these days. Kids are so adaptable and so are women. Women really are what make the world turn. Working makes me a better mum, as I get to invest in myself and demonstrate to my kids that hard work can be fun and rewarding.

Something I learned is that part-time work is HARD. Especially if you’ve previously worked full-time.

Women are told to go for it – ‘Be the CEO!
Take the lead!’
But then when you have a kid, you have to say
no to your boss or to that conference… when
previously you would have said yes.

Emotionally, it can be really hard and you can feel left out or overlooked. FOMO is REAL, and patience is a skill I’m always working on.”

ISAAC

“I’m a plant mechanic. When my partner was pregnant, leading up to the birth of our baby boy, I got a new job; closer to home and with a different roster working nights, to make life easier for my wife during the day. I enjoyed going to work for the fact it was a break from the craziness of having a newborn. I felt bad leaving for nightshift – knowing she would be waking up, multiple times a night. Even thought I was up all night working, I still got a pretty decent sleep the following day.

I honestly didn’t realise how much of my time
a newborn baby (and just a child in general)
would consume.

The time spent working on my own personal projects changed from being whenever I wasn’t working, to only late at night after our baby went to sleep. You can’t just do your own thing whenever you feel like it.

I really enjoy it all, being a dad… having a child. They are always changing and doing funny things which totally outweighs the bad and the hard times. They grow and change SO fast. You find yourself always looking at old pics on your phone and reminiscing on how small they were, or how round their face was.. haha!”

CASS

“I returned to work when our baby was seven-months-old… and I felt ready. I only went back part-time, but the huge win for me was that I am a pre-school teacher, so my baby would be in the same building as me, just a different room. I could check on him at anytime, which was amazing. It was the same thing with my second baby. I was really lucky in that way.

I’m currently pregnant with a third bub. Third time around, I’m now working at a different service that doesn’t take children under two. So now I’m facing putting my baby into a centre where I won’t be working. The thought of it is incredibly daunting… trusting people to look after your entire heart is so huge and causes a lot of anxiety.

They can never care for them the way a mother does. But we need money, right?! So I have to work. The luxury of a years maternity leave would have been so wonderful… but just not a reality for me.

I wish I was easier on myself. The ‘mum guilt’.
What you feel when you’re dropping them off at daycare whilst they cry for you… it’s heart breaking.

But as an early childhood teacher, I also know how beneficial childcare is for children, across all areas of development. And they do settle into their day, and have a fun time, which brings me comfort.”

Words Haylee Poppi
Responses Anonymous

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